CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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