Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
