My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
