My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
