I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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