okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
