Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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