Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize