he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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