it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Vodka?
Forever.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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