I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
