K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
