Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
