it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
