I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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