My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
