how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
