you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
