Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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