Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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