I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
