She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
