Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
