How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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