I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
