anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
