the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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