i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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