I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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