So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My vagina is very pro this idea
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize