I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He passed out mid-signature
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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