WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
