I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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