After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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