I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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