god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
