You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
