dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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