Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
