I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Bring me that man meat
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
