don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
