It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
