so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
