I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
