Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
