There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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