The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
