I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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