i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
