i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
