i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
