Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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