i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
