What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
