Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
