I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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