I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
