So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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