remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
