paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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