my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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