he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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