I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
