I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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