this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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